I’ve been watching a lot of Househunters & Househunter International on HGTV lately. I don’t know why, other than I love to look at beautiful homes & then see what the new owners do with them after they move in. I’m always trying to guess which one they’re going to choose & imagine how it’ll look when it’s theirs. It’s a lot of fun, at least for me.

I watched one last night that was a woman who was living in St. Thomas & renting a place, who wanted to buy something with a rental unit in it. She chose the on I would have, it was the most affordable, and the most ready to go. She had issues with the kitchen & the deck, but still, those weren’t terrible things & she really fixed it up nicely. It had a gorgeous Atlantic ocean view from the deck & I’d love to be able to see it in person.

There was another with a young couple in Berlin, who were expecting a baby. We didn’t get to see the final unit they chose, because it won’t be finished until next year, but we did get to see the baby. It was cool seeing how different countries treat apartments & houses, some of them don’t come with the kitchen, you have to put all of that in yourself & I know in some places over in Europe, you have to provide your own carpets and such, because I had a friend who lived there & she was talking about it once. It’s funny the things we, as Americans, take for granted. I’m just happy I’m not trying to sell a home or sell my timeshare in this markt right now.I mean, it’s great for buyers, but the sellers are pretty much screwed.

Back in November or December Rhi’s desktop died. She tried everything she could think of to resurrect it, but nothing working, not even reformatting. She one of those people that can handle anything but not having a cell phone or a computer, if either of those is gone, she freaks out. I did a lot of thinking about the situation, and talking with Troy about it. We knew we couldn’t afford to buy her a new machine, or even a refurbished one, but I had a perfectly good desktop sitting in the bedroom that I had barely used after I got my laptop, because I had always disliked it. Troy & I got them at the same time, but his was a better machine. Mine had a slim tower & everything in it was much smaller than standard, so I couldn’t put my big hard drive in it, which had been the plan when I agreed to that machine. Eventually that hard drive died & I lost everything that was on it & my resentment towards that computer grew. I got the laptop so I wouldn’t be stuck in the bedroom all the time & after that, it was all I wanted to use.

Anyway. I removed all of my files from that one and told Rhi she could have it (I kept the monitor & speakers), but if she killed that one, it was over, we were out of computers for her & had no way to remedy that. She agreed and has been thrilled with it. I’m so happy that I was able to move away from the hurt & resentment I felt over that computer & bring so much joy to her with it. I have my laptop & my netbook & am just as happy with the situation, honestly!

It’s really tough to get back into the swing of things when you’ve taken so much time off, you know? We were busy in January trying to get packed & ready to move, and there was my birthday & sickness and all of that, then we spent February moving & waiting for contractors, so the days we could have gone to the gym, we had to stay here. We finally went yesterday, worked out on the fitness equipment for as long as we could. I was already having a hard time breathing, so I couldn’t take much, and Troy wasn’t doing a lot better than me, but the important thing is that we went & we’ll continue to go on his days off & try to get back to where we were before. I’ve been using Wii Fit Plus occasionally, too & have plans to use that on the days we don’t go to the gym, and when it gets warmer, Dawn & I will be walking again, too.

My eating appears to finally be back on track. I decided to cut myself a little slack & add a few of my weekly points into my daily ones, if nothing els, knowing they were available helped, even when I didn’t use them. I guess it’s always going to be psychological with me.

Things have been weird with my brother & his wife lately. I guess they got into an argument the other night, thy were both drunk, of course. My niece, Jaycie, jumped into the middle of it & told her dad to f*ck off.. well, she screamed it at him, actually. He went towards her, because he wasn’t going to tolerate her speaking to him like that (and rightly so), so my sister-in-law grabbed him by the pony tail & yanked. My brother pushed her away from him, and into the headboard, splintering it. Either Jaycie or her mom called the police & my brother was arrested, which I don’t agree with, because his wife assaulted him first, so they both should have gone, or neither, you know?

We found out when Rhi went down there to take a drawing to Jaycie & of course, they were both talking crap about him, because neither one of them can ever take the blame for anything they do. Jaycie shouldn’t be disrespecting her parents (and yes, she does the same to her mom), my sister-in-law shouldn’t have pulled his hair & he shouldn’t have shoved her, they were all in the wrong & should have walked away, calmed down & then handled it like adults. I know I’m asking too much.

His answer was “I’m an alcoholic. She’s an alcoholic. We like it this way, everything is fine.” There are days when I’m thankful he doesn’t have life insurance, because I would always be worried that she’d kill him for it. She pawns everything nice they ever buy, so she can buy booze & cigarettes, they have a running bill at the pawn shop, if you can believe that. At any rate, I’m done getting involved & done watching him kill himself. I’ll be civil & go to family events, but I’m not going out of my way anymore. It hurts too much & you eventually have to start protecting yourself.

Troy took me to St. George yesterday after I returned the jeans that didn’t fit & I bought a couple of pairs from Old Navy. I just have one question, though.. why can’t all washes/colors in the same size & by the same manufacturer fit the same way? Why should I have to try on every color to make sure the ones I buy fit exactly how I want them to? I bought some in different washes than I tried on & they do fit, just not as well as those I tried on & the second pair is actually not what I wanted at all, but that was my own fault for not reading the label closely enough & buying “skinny” instead of “bootcut.” Anyway, at least I have some that fit now, right?

Our bankruptcy was filed today, finally. Troy & I went down to the bank as soon as they called to tell us, so he could add me to the accounts. That was a long & humiliating 8 months, I really felt out of the loop as far as our finances went, even though it was necessary & the only way to keep our money safe. We go see the trustee on April 19, and then it should be all over. I’m looking forward to starting over & not screwing up this time. I really want to start getting a savings account built up & be able to look toward the future & the plans we have with a smile, instead of knowing that none of it will ever happen.

I’m trying to make a few decisions about the booth this year, too. I would like to sell books, but I’m not sure we have enough time to get a nice variety bought & ready to go before July, along with everything else we need to buy & do. I guess I ought to just talk to Dawn about it honestly, it’s her booth, too & she needs to have a say in what we sell.

I can’t wear any of my jeans anymore, they’re huge on me & look like I’m wearing a sack. So, I went to the store this morning to try to find some that fit. (the store being our only affordable option – Walmart) I did find some that fit, but of course, they were too short & that brand didn’t have any in a long or tall version, only average & petite. So I went & got the same size in a different brand, in a long, even held them up to make sure they were the same waist size & bought two pairs of those. I didn’t try them on & I should have, because when I got them home they didn’t fit.

I’m so sad & frustrated now, because I’m right back where I started, without any pants to wear. I did get a different pair, at a different store, but they’re barely long enough & probably will only look decent if I’m wearing sandals & maybe not even then. This is one of those days where I hate living here, because I have no choices for shopping & I refuse to wear jeans I don’t love, why should I? I could take a box cutter & shave off the fat that won’t allow me to fit in the jeans I bought, but short of that, they’re going back to the store & I’m doing without. What a disappointing day.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, especially since Erin came out to visit, about my kids and their futures. Erin seems to be so direction-less these days & I know that a lot of that is because he’s so easily bored. He’ll very likely never go to a traditional college or university, he’d never be able to sit through long classes day after day. Rhi is interested in pursuing higher education, but fears the high debt associated with traditional learning & has been hesitating. So, I’ve been looking into other options for them, like an online degree, through an accredited university.

Western Governors University looks like a viable option; great for Erin because he could learn at his pace & not be tied down to a class schedule he could never fit into, and also terrific for Ri, because WSU is non-profit & costs a lot less than other choices. They have a pretty extensive list of course offerings, so finding something either of them wants a degree in wouldn’t be that hard, even if it was just an online business degree. Many employers just want a college degree, they don’t seem to care much these days what it’s in, as long as you have one. I think I’ll at least talk to Rhi about it & see if she’s at all interested in any of the programs they offer. There may be other things she’s thinking of doing right now and I don’t want to seem pushy.

While we were out shopping today, I heard a couple of ladies talking about a new skin care product that I though I had never heard of, until I came home to read some information about tretinoin. I wasn’t familiar with that name, but I do know what “retin-a” is. I’m wondering if any of you use it in any of it’s forms? If so, how does it work & how does your skin react? I seem to have very touchy skin, some products work great for me & some literally burn me, causing temporary scarring, I just want to know if there’s anyone out there like me that has used it before I commit to spending money on yet another skincare product I can’t use.

We had a lot of fun today, by the way, and it was really great just having time together when Dawn was able to spend money & I really wasn’t. It was a funny change for us, but one I wish could happen more often – or at least the part about her be able to have money to spend. I’d like some, too. I spent money that I probably shouldn’t have, but most of it was done wisely & with thoughts of being able to preserve food and such, so I don’t feel too badly about it. I know Troy won’t care, and that’s really all that matters to me in the end.

Wow. I knew I had eaten poorly this week, and my weight gain just proves it to me. I’m glad that I realized what I was doing earlier in the week & decided that it wasn’t going to happen anymore. I was right back on plan yesterday & felt 100% better about my food & myself. In the past, this gain would have caused me to give up what’s been working for almost a year & run off searching for diet aids or a miracle “cure” for my fatness. I’ve learned over the past few months that the only cure is to be on top of what I put in my mouth & not let it control me. I kind of forgot that this week & overindulged more than I should have.

I’m not going to beat myself up, or play the regret game, I’m just going to take the lesson I’ve learned & move forward in my journey, like normal, non-addicted people do. I won’t use it as an excuse to screw this week up, too, but as an inspiration to lose what I gained instead & to do better at choosing items on a menu & in my life. I will do this, I will reach my goal.

I swear my face has been breaking out like crazy over the past two weeks, it’s driving me freakin’ nuts! I used to get bad breakouts back in high school, and have had them periodically throughout the years, but lately, it’s been pretty mellow – until this month. I haven’t done anything differently than I’ve been doing for years, other than I haven’t been super diligent with washing my face, but I never have been, really, other than the past couple of months. Does anyone have any good acne home remedies? I’ve tried buying stuff & it never seems to work that great & tends to cost more than I really want to spend.

Erin did manage to leave yesterday, although he wasn’t happy about it. He had been told that they were leaving on the 20th (he told me the 27th), and then on Tuesday night, he was told they were leaving the next morning. His friends, Michael & Ashley had told him they’d buy him some cigarettes & a washboard (he plays it as an instrument) on Friday so he’d have those things when he left, so now he doesn’t have them. He was grateful to have a ride all the way to Oregon, he just wished it had been when he was told initially.