We didn’t have a lot of time with either of the Pagan groups I’m involved with this week, one of them met on Monday night for a potluck, but we had a hard time finding a place to meet. The park we ended up at wasn’t the best location we could have chosen & no one seemed to be paying attention to the Mothers’ Rite that we were having, as a matter of fact, one person who was sitting there, making noise with her children, had no idea we even had one.

I appreciate that people want to have their friends around, but why invite friends who aren’t Pagan & don’t seem interested in anything but a playgroup for their kids? Yes, we get together & do a lot of family-type activities, but that isn’t all that we’re about & the spiritual is always the basis & most important aspect of what we do & why we even bother to meet.

I’m really hoping that this week we’ll be back at our regular spot & things will be back to normal. I had such a great time the first time we had our weekly potluck in the park & so did everyone else who went. No one seemed to be having a great time this past week, so I know it wasn’t just me. People who aren’t really into what we do disrupt everything so much – why can’t someone invent a pill, like a fat burner pill, that burns stupidity instead of fat?

We didn’t make it to the other group this week, we were off camping for what was supposed to be Rhi’s birthday party. She decided to leave in the middle of the day on Saturday and proceeded to get into a huge argument with her boyfriend & then us. It was disappointing & sad, because we had all spent so much money to make sure she had a great weekend & we were all looking forward to it, but it’s life & we carried on & tried to make the most of the trip in spite of her.

There are other things going on with me that have me upset, but I’m not going to go into it. Something I really wanted to happen for me isn’t going to & I can’t change it, so it’s time to redirect my desires & find another way to my goals.

Troy & I slept in past 10 this morning & it’s been throwing me off all day. I had a pretty good week on the spiritual front, at least I feel like my needs were met, as far as they could be. I got sick towards the end of the week & couldn’t finish the Beltane rites, but what I did get to participate in was very spiritual & meaningful to me.

I’ve about given up on one member of the tribe, though. I just don’t feel like trying anymore. I have tried & tried to accept them for who & how they are & it’s just so hard for me, because they are one of those people that you never know what to say to them, and live with actual fear of making them angry every time you open your mouth. Being tolerant of other people isn’t difficult, like learning to play piano, but I swear, in the case of this person, piano would be easier for me.

It feel like everything that they say is false to me. They talk about the tribe bringing hate & drama with them when they come & most of us think that the only hatred & drama comes from them. There has been a lot of power-grubbing with this person & honestly, within our tribe, there is no power, nothing to scrabble madly on the ground for after the pinata of life has been broken open.

It may be time for them to take a walk for awhile again, like they did last fall, when we were left with no leadership & no direction & left to figure it out on our own. We figured it out & now we don’t need that person anymore, we like how we do things now. Things now aren’t better or worse than they were before, they’re just different. Things change, life isn’t lived in a vacuum & while this person stayed away almost all fall & winter, we grew & changed into the next version of the tribe.

Many of us felt lost & alone after our leadership walked away, we felt betrayed by many things that had gone on the previous summer & we had no idea which direction to take, and I really think we all did the best we could by just letting it happens as it did, on it’s own.

It seems lately, that every time I get involved with a Pagan group here it ends in tears & disappointment. Last year, we were hyper-involved in our local Troth, but before summer was over, everything had fallen apart, mostly due to some members & their huge egos. We had regular meetings, we had officers, planning, kept minutes & celebrated the full moon & the sabbats, faithfully, meaningfully & very energetically. Ist was spiritually fulfilling for me & most of my friends. Then the egos came in to play, someone thought that they ought to have more power & say in what went on than anyone else & when they found out that wasn’t the case, they started rumors about everyone else, saying they were trying to take over & control the group. It tore the group apart, officers stepped down (including the chief) & we pretty much stopped doing anything but drumming on Saturday nights. Now it seems to be an excuse for people to get together, drum, get drunk & smoke pot. Well, I don’t drum. If I want a drink, I’ll have one, I don’t need an excuse & I don’t use drugs. What appeal does it have for me now? Not much, honestly.

Another member started a Grove that meets on Monday nights. Her plan was to celebrate the full moons & Sabbats on the actual day of their occurrence & meet the spiritual needs of the troth that were no longer being met. They did a great job for about 3 weeks. Now it seems next to impossible to get anyone to stay focused long enough to have a meeting, let alone perform a ritual or anything else that might be important. It too, has become an excuse to drum, drink & drug. No needs of any kind are being met & I’m disappointed again. I’m about to give up or try getting my own friends together & doing it ourselves.