I like to think that even on the worst days, there is always something to be thankful for. This week, I’m thankful for/because:

1. Erin didn’t miss his arraignment.
2. Rhi was able to have one more month on her meds before she has no insurance..
3. Carmex.
4. That Tiny is almost finished shedding.
5. Tiny is doing great staying outside all day.
6. That even though it’s been a trying week, it’s still better than it was a year ago.
7. Good friends.
8. Troy.

Play along!

1. What’s the weather like today? Describe it. Right now it’s 71 degrees, the sky is blue with wispy clouds & a slight breeze. It’s a gorgeous, spring day.

2. Did you/are you going to do anything productive (sure, it’s relative) today? What did you/are you up to? I don’t feel well today, so I doubt anything that I had planned today is actually going to happen at this point.

3. Do you need to make some phone calls or send some emails to people that you haven’t heard from lately? If so, who? Here’s your reminder to do it! I probably have a couple of emails that I ought to write, but like everything else today, they can wait.

I keep hoping that the older Rhi gets, the easier it will be for her to deal with being bi-polar, but so far I’m getting no satisfaction on that front. In a little more than a week, she’ll be 19 & at times seems just slightly more mature than she was when I was planning her 1st birthday party.

Her meds ran out on Monday & I forgot until it was too late to call the pharmacy & have them refilled, so I texted her & told her to call first thing in the morning. So, that left her without anything that night & the next morning & when she’s out of Depakote, she starts to manic within hours. So, I took her early yesgterday afternoon to pick them up, took her to apply for another job & dropped her off at her house, where she promptly forgot to take her meds.

By yesterday evening, when she should have been leveled off again, she was going full bore & cussed out her 12 year old niece, me & anyone else who pissed her off. She comes up with the most outlandish accusations when she’s going off, too, that I just don’t even know what to say most of the time. I ended our argument fairly early on, but every time I woke up last night, I was still hurt & angry & would lay there, reliving it, so needless to say, I had a crappy night because she forgot to take her meds. It should be even more fun next month around this time when she has no insurance & I can’t afford to pay for it anymore. Then I can get verbally abused & lay awake at night & worry that she’ll kill herself, too.

I love this country, but something is wrong when people who need medication to get through each day can’t have it because they have no medical insurance.

Play along!

[Listen] Do you have an “angry” playlist, or songs/artists you can relate to when you’re in a fury? If so, what are some examples? If I’m angry, I crank up my car stereo & hit the freeway. I need to listen to The Misfits, Rancid, Tiger Army & vintage Social Distortion. I actually have a mix CD I play just when I’m angry.

[Watch] Think about ads you’ve seen for current/upcoming shows shows and movies–either through TV, billboards, social media, or even direct mail. Based on marketing, which items are you most likely to watch? Are there any you’re turned off to already? I have a tendency to ignore most ads, but I am interested in seeing Angels & Demons, X-Men: Origins on the big screen & can hardly wait for season 2 of True Blood.

[Read]  Any books you’ve started multiple times but just can’t get through?
The House of Seven Gables and anything in David Eddings “Belgariad” series.

Back when I was still in high school, I was a completely different person than I am today, both in good ways & bad. I wasn’t a twig, but I looked good in a bikini & didn’t feel like I needed to be taking Fenphedra, like I feel today. I was a good student, I gt good grades & until my Senior year, I never really ditched very much. I went to church 3 times a week, was in youth choir & very active in my youth group. I dated regularly, was in band & orchestra & loved both. On the outside & to most people who knew me, I seemed to be a pretty normal, teenage girl.

I really wasn’t, I had a lot of secrets & pretty much lived a double life for most of high school. If people got too close to the truth, I pushed them away & started hanging out with different friends for awhile. I’m sure there were a few people who, at the very least, suspected that I was using drugs, but I don’t think any of them knew or even thought that it was a daily thing that I did, which, of course, it was. I felt so pressured to get good grades & get into a good college that I didn’t see any way to still have friends, be in band/orchestra, ugo to church & be in youth activities while I was still maintaining my grades.

About 1/4 of the way through my Freshman year, I stole some dexxies (Dexadrine) from a friend’s house, the bottle was in their medicine cabinet & I knew what “dextroamphetamine” was & what it did, I read a lot, after all. Whenever I could, I started taking them from him & when I couldn’t, I’d just take my allowance & buy them from a guy I found at school that could get them for me. It sounds like an expensive habit, but a lot of people’s parents had them sitting in the bathroom back then, so I became a bathroom snoop anytime I visited anyone, including church members. It didn’t matter to me, I needed to get good grades & still have fun & that was all that mattered to me. I knew a couple with two boys who were on it for their ADHD, and that made it easy for awhile, too, especially when I babysat them.

I’m not proud of it now, but back then, I was a self-absorbed teenager, like most of them. I only cared about my needs & taking care of what I wanted to get done. No one at home suspected anything, and for the most part, they were thrilled that I was getting so much done. Everything started to fall apart halfway through my Junior year, when drinking became more fun than dexxies & I had a steady boyfriend that I spent almost every waking hour, outside of school with. I found it hard to sneak around & maintain my habit with him around & knew he’d never accept it, so I started weaning myself from them & by the time my Senior year started, I was done with them.

A lot of people thought I was on drugs that year, including my parents, because of the big personality change & the fact that I started coming to school still drunk from the night before & was sleeping through my classes. My grades dropped, I stopped going to school & eventually I dropped out. It wasn’t because of drugs or even the booze, it was because I couldn’t stand to be away from my boyfriend & he had already graduated. Going out every night with him & his friends was the only thing that mattered to me then. I know now that I was obsessing over him, but I thought it was normal then, I thought you were supposed to be that crazy when you were “in love.”

I’m glad I’m not that girl anymore, even though I wouldn’t mind having her body still!

Play along!

Word Association Week: Tell us the first musical thing that these words remind you of.

Foible:
Radio: Mexican Radio
Heat: Miami Sound Machine
New: Top 40
Angel: Angel is a Centerfold
Girl: My Girl
Fear:
Siren: Bette Midler
Sex: I Want Your Sex
Weird: Weird Al

I don’t often talk about how or when Troy & I met, I just mention him, as if you all know him as well as I do.

I met him on March 31, 1991. I had just married Erin & Rhi’s spem donor &two weeks before & we were having a birthday party for my god-daughter, Katie. He & two of his friends had been invited over by another friend to play D & D with us that night. I knew as soon as he walked in my front door that I had just married the wrong man& that Mr. Right had just walked in. There wasn’t anything that I could do about it, I was a married woman with kids, after all, but it didn’t change the way I felt & didn’t stop us from becoming very good & close friends, pretty quickly.

During the next few months, things became strained between myself & my best friend, Kathy & I couldn’t figure out what in the world I had done. She claimed that she had a crush on Troy & didn’t know what to do about it. She was married with kids, too & so I told her that an illicit affair with her was the last thing Troy needed (hae was in the middle of an ugly divorce). I later found out that she was in the middle of an affair with my own husband & he told me all about it on his birthday. He honestly expected me to share him with her & my feeling was he wasn’t even worth my own time let alone wonderful enough that anyone would be willing to share him. I kicked him out & told him I was finished with him. Later that night, I admitted to Troy how I felt about him & he, after a few hours, admitted that he had feelings for me too. (he wasn’t hesitant, he wanted to make sure I wasn’t after a rebound) We’ve been together ever since.

We’ll never have the money to buy New York Yankees tickets (we’d both prefer Rockies tickets anyway) or  the exciting vacations that we often dream about, but the important things are that we have loved each other through thivk & thin, sickness,  health, poverty & good times. He raised my kids like they were his own & many people don’t even know they aren’t his biological children.He has taken care of me, I have taken care of him. Yes, we argue, everyone does, eventually, but he’s my very best friend & nothing can or will tear us apart, we can’t make it without each other,.

Monday: Dinner at Jen’s – I believe we’re grilling hamburgers & hotdogs.

Tuesday: Buffalo Chicken Casserole & Salad, with tapioca for dessert

Wednesday: Tacos & Burritos

Thursday: Cuban Chicken, Macaroni & Cheese & Salad

Friday: Spaghetti with Meat Sauce, Corn & Salad

I don’t cook on the weekends, it’s usually just Troy & I aroundy here at dinner time anyway & we’re fairly busy on Saturday & Sunday.

It seems lately, that every time I get involved with a Pagan group here it ends in tears & disappointment. Last year, we were hyper-involved in our local Troth, but before summer was over, everything had fallen apart, mostly due to some members & their huge egos. We had regular meetings, we had officers, planning, kept minutes & celebrated the full moon & the sabbats, faithfully, meaningfully & very energetically. Ist was spiritually fulfilling for me & most of my friends. Then the egos came in to play, someone thought that they ought to have more power & say in what went on than anyone else & when they found out that wasn’t the case, they started rumors about everyone else, saying they were trying to take over & control the group. It tore the group apart, officers stepped down (including the chief) & we pretty much stopped doing anything but drumming on Saturday nights. Now it seems to be an excuse for people to get together, drum, get drunk & smoke pot. Well, I don’t drum. If I want a drink, I’ll have one, I don’t need an excuse & I don’t use drugs. What appeal does it have for me now? Not much, honestly.

Another member started a Grove that meets on Monday nights. Her plan was to celebrate the full moons & Sabbats on the actual day of their occurrence & meet the spiritual needs of the troth that were no longer being met. They did a great job for about 3 weeks. Now it seems next to impossible to get anyone to stay focused long enough to have a meeting, let alone perform a ritual or anything else that might be important. It too, has become an excuse to drum, drink & drug. No needs of any kind are being met & I’m disappointed again. I’m about to give up or try getting my own friends together & doing it ourselves.

Play along at Sunday Stealing!

1. What are your current obsessions? I’m not sure I have any right now – maybe keeping the bedroom as clean as possible.

2. Which item from your wardrobe do you wear most often? Most likely my Chugger’s Pub t-shirt.

3. What’s for dinner? No idea, I don’t cook on the weekends, so whatever I fix myself when I get hungry.

4. Last thing you bought? Dinner last night.

5. What are you listening to? Troy eating pretzels.

6. If you were a god/goddess who would you be?  A lazy one.

7. Favorite holiday spots? Like to vacation? Probably Yankee Meadows campground or Red Cliffs campground.

8. Reading right now? Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire

9. 4 words to describe yourself. Happy, peacemaker, sarcastic, laid-back

10. Guilty pleasure? Watching true crime shows on cable.

11. Who or what makes you laugh until you’re weak? Dawn, sometimes Troy.

12. Planning to travel to next? We don’t really travel much, I’ll drive to Las Vegas in July to pick a friend up at the airport,then I’ll drive back down so he can catch his flight out.

13. Best thing you ate or drank lately?I made some pretty good Mandarin chicken the other night.

14. When did you last get tipsy? Last month sometime. I think.

15. Care to share some wisdom? It’ll get better. It always does, so be patient & wait for it.

16. Nicest thing anyone’s ever said to you? I’ve had so many nice things said to me, it would be hard to narrow it down to 10, let alone one.