I did indulge a little bit yesterday, but nowhere near what I would have a week ago, so I’m going to count that as a victory. I realize now that I probably have been a bit depressed over some stuff that’s going on with my oldest brother, it’s just hard to come to terms with the fact that things are never going to get better. I felt like all of a sudden, I had no brothers anymore, especially since me & the other one hadn’t spoken for almost 20 years and had no relationship to speak of during that time.

That’s all changing pretty quickly and I really feel good about the future, at least regarding that brother. We’re working out our problems and getting to know each other again. I have such hope for my family again. It’s amazing how one little thing like that can change everything, you know?

So, I’ll keep fighting this battle with myself & my food addiction & eventually get back to that place I was at last year, where I was working harder at it than I ever had before. Even at my worst this time around, though, I’ve never given up. I may have only been making sure to take my vitamins every day, but I didn’t let me convince myself that I could do this alone, because I know that I can’t.

I stayed on track today, I didn’t go over my daily points except for by 1, which I’m allowing due to the gym. I went to the gym this morning, even though I was dragging my butt when I got up today. I increased my level on the stationary bike & really pushed myself on the treadmill, too. I feel good about the whole day. Go me! I love when I get in there & turn into a regular fat burner, and just push myself as far as I can go & as hard as I can. It makes me feel like I did my very best for a change.

I have had a stomach ache all day, and I have no idea what that’s all about. I just know that I’m not digging it much. I hate being in pain & not knowing what’s causing it, it makes me worry & I don’t need that right now. We’re having Beth’s birthday party over here tomorrow & I want to feel well for that, it’s going to be a long day, with a lot going on. I plan to take Sunday as a day to get the bedroom situated & hopefully get a little sewing done, too, but we’ll see how energetic I feel after the party tomorrow. We also have 3 gallons of mead to bottle & label, but I’m not sure we have enough corks. I guess I’d better order some on payday like I’ve been saying I was going to. Sheesh, I hate being so forgetful.

I really do feel like slapping myself. It seems like if I have an out-of-control weekend, the rest of the week just slowly goes to hell, at least as far as my eating goes. I know that a lot of my problem right now is pure & simple boredom. I get bored when I’m here all alone & I start eating. I think I’m just going to throw all of the stuff in my office that’s snack-y type foods away. I can’t afford to keep doing this, I’m going to look like I installed a set of industrial handles on either hip before too long & God knows, that’s the last thing I want to go back to.

I have got to find the motivation and willpower to get back on the wagon, or get to the bottom of why I’m not caring for myself like I ought to be right now. I don’t think I’m depressed, or stressed, but I could be. It’s been known to happen at times when I’ve been completely oblivious to it. I went 10 months without a period when I was 18 due to depression & stress & had no idea that I was even going through any of that. I’m too good at avoiding my own feelings and needs & I have to stop doing that if I want to get to a healthy & normal weight.

I’m promising myself, right now, that I WILL behave this weekend & I WILL make a difference in the next week. Oh, and about the buying some lingerie in a smaller size for motivation post I did a while ago.. I had a comment that I should buy it in a size that fits, but you see I have a bunch of clothes that I love in my current size, it’s not motivating me to get thinner. When I started I had a ton of clothes that were too small & that I had never worn, that was very motivating to me. Also, I don’t wear lingerie generally & the thought that I’d be feeling good enough about myself to start, might also help, who knows?

I have really been slacking off on my weight loss efforts for the past few months & can’t seem to get past the current 10 pounds to save my life. I’m feeling like it’s taking too long, being down on myself & my efforts & I need to stop, find my focus & start over. I know that a lot of people have a hard time losing weight in the winter, and that’s when mine started to get hard, now I just can’t find y motivation again. I think I need to look at my old pictures & really decide if I want to look like that again & then buy myself some sexy lingerie, that’s a couple of sizes too small, just to inspire me to get where I want to be.

I think combining those things and then making sure that there’s always fresh produce that I love in the house & no garbage I shouldn’t be eating will really work for me. It did before & Troy will understand that I just can’t have that stuff here & probably won’t ever be able to. I’m too much of an addict to be able to handle that very well. I’m going to get this weight off, dammit!

I honestly hope that, for the most part, I’ll be able to say that every Sunday evening this summer. I so enjoy spending time with my friends & family, that I never want the weekends to end these days. It seems like the only time we really get to see each other & hang out for very long. The birthday party yesterday was a big success & Rhi really seemed to have a great time. Beth and the rest of the kids ran around, played, watched movies, ate & pretty much had non-stop fun, until the littler ones started falling asleep, the fire was lit & everyone quieted & just enjoyed the night & the fire & the company.

We came in & tried to get the house cleaned up as much as we could, filled the dishwasher & settled in for a couple of episodes of “Weeds” and then headed for bed. Today we got up, did a little more housework & then headed out to the yard to get the garden tilled up. We got that done & Elizabeth came over & planted some peas, because they needed to go in the ground & she wasn’t ready to plant them at her house. Troy headed off to their house to game & I pulled some weeds in the front yard, until I bent a fingernail backwards & it broke off at the quick. I was done at that point & headed in for something cold to drink & some TV.

We went to Dawn & Jason’s to get our mower running for Jason, stayed & visited a bit, then we came home. Right now, I’m looking for skins for all of our various electronics and then around 8, we’re heading to Charlie & Vicki’s for some Rock Band. Sounds like a pretty full weekend to me!

I think I may need a new desk. I just got my foot caught under the bar on the bottom while I was in the process of banging the crap out of my knee on the top. That or my giant knees need to find some safe weight loss pills. Sheesh. I’m just not used to a desk anymore, after over a year of sitting at the couch on y laptop. I decided when we moved in here that I wasn’t enjoying watching TV anymore because I was always distracted by the computer & I wasn’t really enjoying it either, because I was equally distracted by the TV. So, we leave computers in the office & TV in the living room & everyone seems to be more at ease. Just as long as I don’t keep injuring my limbs while I’m trying to scoot into the desk.

Anyway, I’m out of here for the day, for real this time. Have a great weekend!

Rhi is back with her boyfriend & another friend of theirs, now we’re just waiting for everyone else to start arriving. My niece even plans to come, which will be nice, because we haven’t seen her much at all in the past few months & I’ve really missed her.

The sun is shining, we have just a nice little breeze blowing & I plan to spend so much time out there today that I need to buy some anti wrinkle cream just to look my age. I know, it’d be better (and wiser) to use a sunscreen first, but I doubt I could find any, even if I tried at this point, since we still everything in boxes.

Dawn & Jason got new phones today & I can’t wait to see those, too. I’m always so excited to see everyone’s new tech toys, you know? Ryan started it with his Palm Pre’ & I followed with my new Rumor 2, so because their contract was ending & they wanted a better plan, they’re getting new stuff, too. This is the first time that’s ever happened, when we all had new phones at the same time.

I don’t know why I’m in such a terrific mood this morning, or why I’m so excited about Rhi’s birthday barbecue, but I am. I really like having people over here & I love our yard so much, so I’m sure that has a lot to do with it. I plan to bake a cake here in a few minutes, I hope I have something that she likes, and not just chocolate. She got the house all nice & cleaned up & will be heading out at about 1 to walk her boyfriend home & make sure he makes it back here in time.

I ran into our friend Elizabeth at co-op this morning and she said that they’d most likely be here, I know Dawn, Jason and family will be, too, along with Ryan. It should be a pretty good time, I hope anyway. I’m looking forward to just hanging out with our friends & having a good time, that’s all that really matters most of the time, you know?

———–

Well, I got busy & forgot to finish this, wow. I made the cake, we bottled mead, the house is clean, yard ready to go & everything is just waiting for people to get here. I wonder if our grand-daughter gets to come & if so, I hope her daddy has been using her eczema treatments for a change, so she can be more comfortable. The poor kid is always broken out, I swear. Anyway, I need to get off of here & make sure everything is good to go.

There are so many things that I want to do with our yard & I really have to narrow them down & think about what I can afford & what’s worthwhile to put in a place that I don’t own. I know we want some really nice furniture to hang out on & a dining set, too. That will serve more than one purpose, a place to eat, an altar & extra seating, but I’m willing to go fairly cheap on that so we can get a much nicer set with a fire table.

I want to plant flowers, but am going to go with perennials so that we only have to buy them once. I will plant some annuals in the planters in the back yard, because it will be nice to change them out every spring and not as expensive as doing the whole yard. There’s a particular tree I’d love to have, but haven’t yet decided if it’s worth it to me to buy it or not. I would love, love, love a small pond out there somewhere, because I really think Beth would enjoy it, but then you have to figure the cost of water plants, a uv pond filter, the time to keep it clean and if you want fish in it. Sounds like too much time & money to me, but maybe when I have my own place.

See? There are a lot of decisions to be made & a lot of work to do still. We haven’t even tilled the vegetable garden area yet. I have to go borrow my brother’s tiller & I just don’t want to.

Who seriously puts the breaker box in the attic? Where you can’t get to it to turn them back on? I was cooking dinner last night & Rhi was trying to get ready to go & meet her boyfriend, and all of the sudden, we lost most of the power in the house. I could use the stove, the fridge was running and the bathroom & my bedroom were fine. Sadly, I wasn’t really using the stove to cook on, I was using our George Foreman grill & the microwave. So, we had to wait for Troy to get home so he could help Rhi up into the attic, I’m just thankful she was still here.

There are very few things about this house that bug me, that’s one of them. The other is that the doorbell button isn’t connected to anything. People come up, see it & assume it works, so we never hear them & they leave, thinking we aren’t home. Other than that it’s just things we can fix or things that we have to live with, like the heater sucking or whatever, you know?

Well, it’s about time to get the house cleaned up so I can relax awhile before making burger patties for Rhi birthday party tomorrow.